Argue your case with your neighbor, And do not reveal the secret of another, Or he who hears it will reproach you, And the evil report about you will not pass away. Proverbs 25:9-10

Here is another of those Proverbs that seems to directly contradict what has been said in the previous verse.  Here it has to do with arguing your case with your neighbor.  But the thing that truly helps us to understand this proverb is that it deals with arguing your case with your neighbor "alone."  The ESV and the KJV bring this out.

When a person has a conflict with another person, the best way for it to be resolved is for the two of them to get together and to work it out between them.  This is what the writer of Proverbs is saying here.  This proverb has to do with gossip more than anything else.  When there is a conflict, take the conflict to the person with whom you have the conflict - and no one else.  That is what the writer is saying when he says not to reveal the secret of another.  When there is a conflict, we don't need to reveal that we have had one with everyone else.  That is usually what happens when there is a fight.  We decide to talk with everyone else - telling them about everything that has happened and every way that this other person has hurt us - or has wronged us.  That is revealing the secret of another. 

Here is a concept that I know is foreign to the church today.  When we have a fight or disagreement with someone - that situation is to be treated as if it is a secret between us and the person with whom we've had the disagreement.  It is to remain that way - until we've worked it out with that person.  The reason we should do this is because God will give us grace - and give the person with whom we have the disagreement grace.  But anyone we bring into the situation - will not have grace to deal with it.  They will tend to take one side or the other - and soon factions will begin to develop. 

When the person with whom we have the disagreement begins to hear that we've told others - new problems will develop.  The passage here says that when the person with whom we've had the argument hears that we're talking to others about it - they will reproach us for doing it.  There is an additional offense when this happens.  There are already problems with this person - but now they feel that they are being slandered with gossip. 

Now the next step in all this is that the argument begins to develop into a full-sized war.  They begin to send out an evil report about you.  They are so offended that you've begun to gossip, that they begin to gossip as well.  Just as you decided to share the worst of your disagreement with others - they do the same.  You feel greater offense but what they are doing is only what you've already done to them.  The sad reality with this entire situation is that it will continue toward greater and greater bitterness until one or the other involved with be Christlike enough to humble themselves and begin working toward true healing.  This involves actually talking about the problem to the person with whom you have the problem.  What is so sad is that the vast majority of the time all that happens is that the two people eventually move to an uncomfortable silence between them.  Their relationship becomes superficial - awaiting the next blow up that will come in the future. 

Argue your case with your neighbor alone.  That is wisdom.  It will bless you - and honestly - it will bless your church as well.  This would be such a cause for maturity in the church.  We would have to confront lovingly when we have a problem with a brother - but from what I've experienced - we would also have stronger relationships in the church or wherever we are having problems.  May God bless us so that we begin to take this very wise advice and have stronger relationships in every aspect of life. 

My son, if your heart is wise, My own heart also will be glad; and my inmost being will rejoice When your lips speak what is right. Proverbs 23:15-16

What should matter most to us when we think of our sons?  I know for a period of my life what mattered most to me was seeing my sons excel at sports.  I could have sadly rewritten these two verses with the following foolish edits.

"My son, if you do well at football and soccer, my own heart also will be glad; and my flesh will rejoice when I can cheer at your games for your goals and touchdowns."  (Dopey Father 23:15-16)

First of all I want to state that I am not against sports or competitive activities.  When God graciously broke me he still allowed my sons to compete in sports - and I continued to cheer for them on the sidelines.  Oh, but how I grieved for the years that I had lost - and for the way I had skewed their minds on what was a priority in their lives.  During that time period we set everything aside for their sports careers.  We spent tremendous amounts of money following them all over the mid-south (which, by the way, put us into debt).  I had my sweet wife miss church along with my sons, so that we could go wherever the coach told us to go.  We basically had a very clear idol in our lives - and it is was the dream I had that maybe one day my sons could play college ball - or even make a pro team.  But the most devastating problem that was growing all the time was the misplaced priorities that I was putting before my sons.  My own lack of submission to the Lordship of Jesus Christ in my life - carried over into my son's lives.  This story ends well - because of two things.  First and foremost because of God's mercy and grace.  But secondly, because of some serious repentance on my part - repentance and brokenness that led me back to a proper life under the Lordship of Jesus Christ - and with proper biblical priorities.  Let me get back, though, to the proverb at hand.

The father here is speaking of what makes his heart glad.  The father here was glad, and later even rejoiced that his son had a wise heart.  Wisdom was what this father valued most in his son.  And it is a wisdom that sees life as God sees it.  The father here lived to see his son one day with a very wise and discerning heart.  He labored to see that one day his boy would be a man who longed to do the will of God above anything else in his life.  This places before us a very important question.  Are we as fathers seeing our most important job as laboring to see our sons become wise, godly young men?

Wisdom comes from God.  We learned this back in Proverbs 2.  If we are going to have wise sons, it will be because we have taught them the things of God.  Wise sons come from wise fathers who both know the Word and apply it in our everyday lives.  The passion that often drives a "sports-dad" will be re-directed into being a "godly-dad."  If the Christian fathers who spend hours trying to hone their son into the next Peyton Manning or the next Landon Donovan, would devote that much time to honing their sons into the next Paul - we'd watch a revolution in the church - and in our society in general.  Instead of working on passing and catching skills alone - we'd find ourselves spending time also reading the Word with our child.  We'd be working on wisdom skills - on memorizing Scripture - and on being able to take the Word of God an use it to properly discern good and evil as they walked through their lives. 

I know I may be laboring the point a little bit, but think about this for a moment.  How many sons are actually going to be playing sports at the college level?  How many truly have a shot at the NFL or MLB or the MLS?  And how many who make it to those levels of sport will have a wise and discerning heart there to keep them out of the trouble that seems to be following sportsmen in these sports?  The truth is very few will make it to these teams, but everyone single one of those young men will need to be able to live a life of wisdom.  All of them - even those who do make it - will need "wisdom skills" to walk through life worthy of their calling in Jesus Christ.  If you think your son will make it to a college or pro level - have at it.  But Dad, make sure that the most important goal you have for your son is to live a life of wisdom an godliness!  Make sure HE knows that this is the true goal - and that which would most delight your heart and soul!

The father her also states that his inmost being will rejoice when he hears his son speaking what is right.  The inmost being spoken of here is literally kidneys in the Hebrew.  Dads, your kidneys need to rejoice over your son!  Now there is a phrase you don't hear much anymore.  "Hey Bob, man my kidneys just rejoice over how Bob Jr. is growing into a godly young man!" 

The kidneys were thought, along with the heart, to be the deepest seat of emotion and joy in a person.  It referred to the innermost and most private part of a person's life.  When you are moved to rejoice at that level, you are rejoicing at the deepest level possible.  You rejoice because your heart is blessed at the core level of your beliefs and principles.  This leaves me with another loaded question.  What is your deepest rejoicing about in life?  If you find yourself rejoicing deeply at the touchdowns and sports achievements of others - but yawning at the things of God - the exhibition of godly character and true manhood - you are rejoicing about the wrong things.  Let me say, I love a good touchdown like most guys - but God has worked to where I get more excited when I watch my sons make godly decisions. 

The reason this father was rejoicing in his kidneys was because his son was speaking what is right.  This is not that his son was parroting some phrase or some rote speech he knew would make dad happy, but that his son was speaking normally - and was saying what was right.  This is an important step for our sons maturity wise.  Jesus taught us that it was out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth spoke.  So when we hear our sons speaking what is right in their normal conversation - it tells us that God has worked in their hearts.  It is easy to get a son to say what YOU want him too when he is around you - but it is far more difficult to rear him to say the right thing (the godly thing) as a matter of normal living.  This requires God working in his heart.  That is why the father was dancing in his kidneys when he knew his son was speaking this way. 

Fathers, this proverb is vital for us to grasp.  We are called to take boys given to us by God, and rear them to be men.  This requires doing far more than just bringing home the bacon - and re-living our desires for sports grandeur through them.  Taking a boy and making him a man requires that we put wisdom and godliness at the top of our own priority list, and helping our sons to do the same.  It means laboring to see a heart-change in our boys by the working of the gospel and the Spirit of God.  It means training our sons to love a woman properly - and to have a vision of what God desires for their lives to be.  But I will tell you by the mercies of God that when you watch your sons begin to make godly decisions - no sports achievement in the world can come close to the sensation you will get in your kidneys!  Live therefore for the glory of God and the blessing of your kidneys as you labor to take boys - and give the world men of God.