SERIOUSLY FUNNY HIGH SCHOOL ANALOGIES - COLLECTED BY HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS
1. Her face glowed with pride, like when you leave the electric stove on without a pan on it.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like athletic socks in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled a girl who had her teeth straightened by braces.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
DayLight Saving's Time Hymns
"I Need That Extra Hour"
"Get Up , Get Up for Jesus"
"How Late Thou Art"
"There Shall be Hours of Stressing"
"Time Flies Away"
"Take my Clock, No Let it Be"
"Swiped Hour of Prayer"
"Revise Us Again"
Captain Bonehead Sez' (NEW!)
Funny Thoughts from Captain Bonehead
I’d like to give a shout out to my fingers! I’ve always been able to count on them!
I am so advanced at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!
I changed all my passwords to be “incorrect” – that way when I forget them and guess wrong my computer will tell me, “Your password is incorrect.”
Why do bankruptcy lawyers think they will get paid?
When I leave the office I always tell people that I am going outside to stand. That way when they ask where I am – they will say, “He is outstanding!”
I once saw an Apple Store robbed. That is why I claim to be an iWitness!
You do not need a parachute to skydive. But you do need a parachute to skydive twice!
I’ve come to discover that the divine purpose of the shinbone is to locate furniture in a darkened room.
I bet Apple never makes a car – because if they did it would have to have Windows.
I bought a new boomerang. But I’m having a horrible time throwing my old one away!
I’ve decided to rename my TV remote Waldo. I think you can guess the reason why.
I’d like to give a shout “out” to baseball players who get 3 strikes!
I had a friend who recently was arrested at the airport. Evidently Homeland Security doesn’t like it when you call “shotgun” on a flight. Who’da’known?
“The problem with quotes from the internet is that they are so difficult to verify historically.” - Quote from Abraham Lincoln
Maybe it’s just me, but if the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still called #2?
If you try to fail and succeed at it – what is it that you’ve just done?
I got in trouble at the bank the other day. Someone asked me to check their balance, so I pushed them over. Oops . . .
Recently I went to the marriage of two antennas – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was great!