In Honor of Mother's Day)
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads ?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
Captain Bonehead Sez' (NEW!)
Captain Bonehead is a character that appears regularly in our youth newsletter, "The Jesumania." He comments on various aspects of life - from his particularly strange point of view. The youth love him - enjoy some of his sayings here.
Thoughts on Lost Causes
I’m a sucker for lost causes: I’m trying to market pro-bacterial soap.
I’m a sucker for lost causes: I bought a motivational tape by Eyeore.
I’m a sucker for lost causes: I’m entering a minivan in NASCAR.
I’m a sucker for lost causes: Pen Sharpeners.
I’m a sucker for lost causes: Cold rollers – to straighten hair!
I’m a sucker for lost causes: Battery powered battery rechargers!
Famous Captain Bonehead Bumper Stickers . . ..
Honk, if you don’t like people honking at you.
My child is an honor student at Alternative School
Fight gun violence, defend yourself with a large wooden club.
My other car is on blocks in my front yard.
Help fight ignorance in our schools, wake up during class.
Help keep America Beautiful, put a bag over your face.
Recycle . . . ride your bicycle at least twice a day!
He who laughs last . . . is always the last one who laughed.
Thoughts on Restaurants
I tipped my waitress the other day after lunch, but I must have tipped her too much, because she almost fell over.
As the axe wielded by the lumberjack fells the mighty oak, so also the flamethrower can burn the toothpick in half. But just as a lumberjack with a flamethrower can cause a forest to be burned down, so also one cutting toothpicks in two with an axe can put bad cuts in a restaurant table.
Want to confuse your stomach, eat a happy meal when you are depressed.
Ever find it contradictory that they call them “waiters” when we are the ones experiencing delays in getting our food?
Ever find yourself confused in giving a “gratuity” when you were not thankful for the service you received?
Is it possible to make a smoothie out of roughage?
Thoughts on Cars
If you are used to riding in a Volkswagen every day, why do you call it a foreign car?
How do you really know if someone has put “clear-coat” on your car?
Can you really call that thing on the front of your car a bumper if you’ve never hit anything with it?
I tried to take my kids for a ride at the driving range, but we kept getting hit by golf balls. What’s that all about?
The other day someone asked me when I would retire. After thinking about this I’ve come to the conclusion that the best time to retire is shortly before having a flat.
I really wanted to be a car dealer, but it was so hard to fit those Buicks under my trench coat.
Why do we call a car a convertible when it stays the same car all the time?
I tried being a car dealer - yeah, right - like I'm going to be able to shuffle 52 cars and pass them out to people!